i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
