During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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