She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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