Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize