You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
