you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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