3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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