If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
