Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
