I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
