why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
