At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
