More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
