I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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