take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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