You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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