so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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