please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
