You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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