google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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