I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
