I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
