I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Best friends brother. Beat that.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
