my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
