i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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