somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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