i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
even my farts smell like vagina
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
