i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Come see our sink grown plant.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
