remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
