I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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