Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
