If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
