Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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