i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
