we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
