For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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