My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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