I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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