I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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