I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
