Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
