**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
