someone threw a dead crab at me
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
