Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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