i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
