Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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