P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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