Please, let me fuck your mom
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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