your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
