I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
