stop calling my apartment porn island.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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