you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
