I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
