I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
