How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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