Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Holy sore nipples Batman
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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