i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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