im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I believe in your delicious
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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