no, he came in my armpit
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
